They say a good movie doesn’t end with the ending, it brims and simmers something in you and brings your hidden and unaccepted thoughts to the fore.
They say love happens once.
The world of cinema, be it European, Indian or anywhere else, is centred upon the idea of love. Some say your heart pounds harder, some say it comes to peace, some say it makes sleeping difficult, some say it makes living easy and so on and so forth.
Though what I found missing in most of the tales is how every time you feel something ‘special’ for someone, be it a crush, an infatuation or love (I don't know the best definition), it connects with something inside you and it brings some part of you ALIVE.
I am sure you would agree if I tell you that no one colour defines you and me. We may like white, black or red but we truly are rainbows in reality. We don’t have a single colour. That is why we meet so many different people in our life that strike different cords in us.
And with some of them, we do fall, in love.
I would call the first instance- the innocence breaker
The first time I felt something, I was naive, dumb, quirky, and nerdy living in a bubble. A daughter of conservative parents I wasn’t allowed to ‘talk much’ let alone have feelings for the opposite sex. So, buried in the world of books I had spent my days. Shabby, tomboy, I had no way of knowing how to reciprocate feelings of love and I thought ‘love’ was for the ‘bad girls and boys, more of an ‘affair’ that might lead one to scandals and controversies you know.
But I did in fact fall into a controversy.
There was a boy who said he ‘liked’ me. Having never been ‘liked’ by anyone, I fell for the special feelings such ‘likeness’ brings. The feeling which one feels when there’s a constant eye hovering over you when you enter the corridor of your school on the way to your classroom. When his friends look at you as the ‘chosen one’. The way he treats you with care and starts bombarding you with cute, giddy phrases like the ones you always hear in the movies. And just straight out of your bubble what do you expect your heart to do? Give up-OBVIOUSLY.
You like the feeling of being ‘special’ and being special to someone every single day. You try to dress up ‘differently’ in the same school inform because you have changed from the inside.
But what you really don't know is this ‘change’ is actually a turning point. It might appear temporary but it actually is permanent. When do you realise that? Well, when your heart gets broken.
Oh yes, from a protective bubble, to out in the open and it rains on you that all this was just a sham because now someone else and then someone else is the new special for him.
Broken and alone I walked, something inside had changed, and the innocence was lost. The eyes were finally opened. But the wounds were so fresh and deep and the new me wasn’t able to handle it all by myself. The low self-esteem had gotten lower now. As if the world had crashed and nothing, absolutely nothing can salvage it.
Enter, the chain breaker.
Well, unlike the first one he not only brushed those wounds clear but also applied all the antiseptic and then bandaged my heart for a fresh new start. I was a book digger and he was a world digger.
He brought me to a new world- this one was all parties, fun and being rowdy most of all. Before I was kept ‘safe’ like a precious gem, now I was set free to rock and roll. A new world indeed.
This one gave me wings to fly. The best friend, the confidante, this one did bring me to a life that became a party, both literally and metaphorically. It was all fun and nothing but fun. His sense of humour is what swept all my tears away every single time. He had a knack for making me laugh. Yes, girls do fall for funny guys.
Living with him was as comfortable as breathing. I could talk shit and he didn’t care. I didn’t know I had a wild side before. I did become a ‘bad girl’ actually. I had stopped thinking much so it actually didn’t matter you see. I was the anxious one and he the carefree one. Do the opposites attract? Yup, quite so. He brought the hidden ‘wild’ me. The fun me. I thought I was like that and I thought oh wow, was I like that? I never knew. I was encouraged to roam un-chartered waters as you say, do whatever, you are free!
And I was content and happy. Until…
Until I found someone who didn't bring me out of my innocence or my chains, he actually brought me back to myself.
The self that I had forgotten or else always try to keep under covers. The self that is alive only when I am alone, or at night when the world sleeps and my mind rises awake.
He was a walking shadow of me. A mind like mine, a soul like me. Different body but same soul, different eyes but same outlook, born in different places but have a connection as if from the beginning of times. Everything seemed right, the world stirs right, and the sky, the earth, the birds, and the trees all fall into the right place at the right time.
It rains, the sky is overcast with a breathtaking display of clouds, the peacocks and peahen come together, the rabbit comes from nowhere, the hornbill comes to visit, and the world seems to dance in some kind of ecstasy. A bond that can’t be described for its not of this world. It just made me fall in love with myself and somehow it tumbled my world upside down such that I could see what I had been doing with myself and how I was living a life around the lesser side of me. The element that dominated me, the truly peaceful, self-reflecting, introspecting, magic believer me, was far too practical.
It brought me back to myself, my real true self, all over again.