The world believes unity is strength, but I beg to differ.
This world itself made me realise, that I am strongest by myself.
I am strongest when I walk alone when I am vulnerable, prone to harm and injury and exploitation.
When I have no one to ‘lean on’ I feel confident in my abilities, my choices and my actions.
I feel liberated and free. I feel I can conquer the world, and I can conquer the world according to whatever stupid fantasy or desire I have.
I could sleep if I want to, wake up if I want to.
Spend money in vain activities or save like I am getting bankrupt.
I can look at the sky and find crazy patterns and not care if people around me feel I need a psychiatrist. I can plan for holidays around the world without having the possible means at hand. I can live in my mad mad world and not care a dime about people’s opinions.
So I walk alone
When I am with others I am weak. I am weak in love
I heed what others want.
I have a desire to fulfil ‘their’ desires.
I mask myself for them to outshine, I live for them as a sign of my love and in the end, I forget who exactly I was.
I start drinking if the person I love wants company, I stop drinking when the person I love hates drinkers.
So much so that I start shaping my personality, my words my ideas my pursuits according to their wills and desires.
Perhaps I want acceptance? Perhaps I just want to be loved. A simple, basic need.
So does love make me weak? Oh yes, it does.
It weakens who I am.
It weakens whom I want to be.
It weakens my love for myself.
It weakens my desires, my fantasies.
It weakens who I am to myself.
Because I kill myself in loving others,
My love is the all-consuming love
That is why I have a small cohort of people I truly love
Otherwise, I would have used every vein of my heart till it drops dead.
So, the only way to survive for me is to walk alone.